Should your partner strip for you?

I've posted a survey in this month's PleasureMeNow.com's newsletter. I am going to share parts of the readers's responses.

Things NOT to do to turn your mate on:

She tried to do a stripping routine for me once and all the intentions were there, but it just didn't work. I give her an "A" for effort, but at that moment, it was rough.

I suppose that unless you are talented that way, I wouldn't try that one out! Ever seen that episode of King of Queens where Carrie tried out pole dancing for Doug? That didn't work out so well either!

Be creative and have fun, but be careful! In all sorts of ways, be careful!

Is porn bad?!

Here is the question:

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years.. we have great sex life.. the only thing is that he likes porn. I don't like knowing this bc it makes me feel like maybe I'm not good enough an it makes me jealous to know hes getting off on watching other women..

He wants to watch it with me an I've tried but it seems to bother me and make me think of him as a perve... is this bad that my bf likes porno? is it normal? does this mean hes going to cheat or something?

Dear Worried,

It is very normal that he likes pornography. Most men do because they are visual creatures; more so than women, but it’s also very common for women to enjoy them. They tap into our imaginations and our fantasies and that’s a big part of good and normal sex.

It’s not an indication at all of cheating! Let that one go. And just because he watches porn, it certainly does not make him a perv. If it is “creepy” porn (violent, children, etc) then I would worry.

And while I know that it’s easy for us as women to feel we are being compared to those girls, that’s not usually the case. As long as he’s really NOT comparing you to them and expecting you to look like them with their photo-shopped bodies! Hopefully he makes you feel special and beautiful and the porns are simply a supplement to your very healthy love life!

On the other hand, don’t ever let someone force you to do something that’s not comfortable for you. Keep in mind also that being open means you will find things you didn’t even know you liked!

Life’s an adventure and hopefully so is your love-life! Good luck and stay true to yourself!

Dori

The Importance of Girlfriends

I attended a self-esteem workshop for women last night, not as a participant, but as an observer because I had numerous clients attending and I wanted to see what it was all about. I was amazed.

First of all, I was pleased to see that it was not a feminist-driven workshop. It really did focus on your own "shit" and that it was up to you to turn it around. Secondly, it was so empowering giving the participants the tools necessary to start changing how they view themselves. It's not up to anyone else; you have to work at it and figure out what works for you.

One of the primary focuses was about how women loose their voices because of family and societal expectations placed on us... we can't be loud because we are supposed to speak softly; if we are aggressive we are bitches; if we are athletic we must be dikes; we are supposed to want to be mothers and wives and if we don’t, well, we just don’t fit in now do we?

If we don't fit into these expectations and choose to live outside the female box, we are often times ostracized and have difficulty finding our niche. One of the biggest challenges we face as women is staying true to ourselves especially when we are in a relationship. That is where even the strongest of women tend to give up pieces of who they are because that's what we are supposed to do.

Think back to elementary school...it was fairly egalitarian. Now think about junior high...this is where we started to shift our focus away from our girlfriends onto the boys. It became a competitive world out there with our sisters. We wanted the boys! And that girl wearing those tight jeans was no longer our friend but our competition. Slut!

See how easy it is to start being petty rather than sisterly? Thank goodness that I am in a time in my life where I truly value the friendship and support of my sisters. I don't feel the need to compete anymore, so now I can focus on how important those relationships with women really are to me.

Did you know that having a good support system in place is one of the top factors contributing to mental well-being? Let go of the competitions and return to a place that’s warm, kind and supportive. Take time to join a women’s group, whether it’s a soft-ball team, a knitting group or a book club. Go out there and find out what you can get from being connected to other women.

Don’t go ditching your men though! They play just as important of a role in our lives. This is just a gentle reminder to stay connected to your girl posse!

The Power of Gender Stereotypes

Yesterday in my Gender class we discussed gender stereotypes. Most people really don't realize the power behind gender stereotypes or stereotypes of any kind. It's a pretty interesting topic; as a society we really have come a long way, but we still have so far to go.

Even though we have updated our home economic textbooks from the 50’s, women in a number of foreign countries have no rights. Have you ever seen one of those textbooks? It instructs our girls to do things like the following:

- greet your husband at the door after a long day at work looking fresh, with newly applied makeup and high heels on
- to bring him his slippers to help him relax
- to have dinner waiting
- to let him talk about his day because his was stressful
- to not share the bad things that happened in your day because it would add to his stress

These are just a few examples of what you could expect to find back “in the day!” We are improving, but so much more needs to be done especially in certain parts of our world.

One of the women I am currently working with…a victim of domestic abuse who is now a single mom…did not want to return to her home country because she would have to sit around her parents’ home waiting for a new husband to come along…literally.

One of the reasons we have stereotypes is the way that we process information. In order to make sense of our world we need to break things down into reasonable bits. That's where stereotypes come in handy. They get us into trouble, however, when we use them to perpetuate negative beliefs about a certain group of people.

The cool thing is that as human beings, we also have the ability to step back and re-evauate those stereotypes. For example, there is still the gender stereotype out there that women can’t be good physicists. Another interesting caveat to throw in here is that people tend to live up to expectations.

So…if you tell your daughter that she could never become a physicist because she is a girl…basing the comment on her sex…then she probably won’t even consider the profession. That is an incredibly powerful belief... When in reality she might win the next Nobel Laureate in Physics! Encourage all the possibilities! Encouragement is just as powerful.

The next time you catch yourself judging someone based on a stereotype, stop yourself; take a moment to consider the situation or the person as a whole. It’s dangerous to judge a person solely by his or her appearance.

Food for thought…How do YOU want to be judged?

What Makes a Man Want to Have More Sex

Our society focuses on the opposite of this issue, that men always want sex, choosing to ignore that it really does go both ways. There's that misconception that men have higher sex drives than women do when in fact they are pretty much the same.

The difference comes in how each gender approaches sex. Most men have been raised to believe that showing emotion is unacceptable. So...sex is the best way that they know how to accomplish that feat while still looking like a guy!

Men are also motivated by being able to show off some ability while women are more motivated through feeling appreciated and loved.

Gentlemen...I want to know what works for you...what turns you on when you are off. What makes you want to have more sex?!?!

Question for the Guys

So...my last article was titled "How Do I Get My Wife/Girlfriend to Have More Sex?' That article has prompted another question...how do I get my husband/boyfriend to have more sex?

As it turns out, there are a lot of women out there who have this challenge with their men. Now, I know that many or all of you are saying, "Oh, no...Not me!" However, consider for me the possibility that your wife/girlfriend wants sex when you don't. I would love to hear your side and have you tell me what has worked for you when you weren't necessarily in the mood.

The ladies number one response was having their man do the housework. I seriously doubt that will be your response!

Help me out here guys!

Domestic Violence as Hate Crime?

This past Saturday I attended a conference at a local College of Law exploring whether or not domestic violence should be prosecuted as a hate crime. Most of the attendees were law students and lawyers and only one other social-worker "type". I felt we were able to bring a different perspective to how they were looking at current laws in the state of Colorado and how to potentially word new bills.

Coming from California, I had no idea about criminalized domestic violence. I learned about that working with some of my single-parent participants when I accompanied them to their civil and criminal cases as witnesses. They were witnesses against their ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends; they were not there on the prosecuting side because of our laws. A lot of discussion on this topic on Saturday revolved around how the criminalization caused more problems than it helped.

The original intention was to make the penalties for domestic violence more stringent and to ensure that the perpetrators did not get away with the abuse if a woman did not prosecute. The problems that came about included the not so obvious side effects of taking away the power from the women to make any decision about the person who brought on harm. This often times leaves a woman feeling helpless and frustrated more than they feel helped.

And then there are stories of the ugly underside of the police; the stories include threats against women who did not want to testify. They had many examples of women being threatened; one included having marijuana planted in her house and she was told that the only way to make that "go away" was to testify.

The main topic, however, was on how to add gender to the hate-crime bill. So that if a man beats up a woman and the prosecutors can tie in the reason for the crime having to do with the fact she was a woman, the penalties will be greater. We spent a lot of time "trying" to write verbiage for a potential bill and it was not easy! We spent much time discussing how this could help victims, but also being very careful about how the bill would be worded to avoid potentially hurting them more.

The ultimate goal of this conference was to raise not only awareness, but also as inspiration to everyone to get out there and do something. There is much that we can do to make a difference and to be heard. And it was inspiring!