Should Gay Marriages be Legal?

Yesterday I heard a gay minister talk on this very subject. He presented a lot of information on the difference between the legal and religious aspects of gay marriages and felt strongly that it came down far more to the religious side than the legal. The legal is simply about money, while the religious can shake people to the very core of who they believe they are and what is "right".

The religious side is intangible...it's really about what is acceptable in our society and more people have a problem with what they feel is right. Most people don't seem to take issue with the money side of the controversy...or over if a partner should have the right to make medical decisions on the behalf of their sick partner...

It comes down to moral beliefs and practices. Not everyone feels negatively about gay marriages; Many people have never thought about what it really means for two women or two men to marry. We don't see beyond the social unacceptability of same-gendered sex. As Dr. Reverend Mark pointed out, "Who invited you to watch anyway!"

Why is it wrong for people to love each other and want to be together in some type of a holy union? It's not. People are people. Gay or straight, we all want the same things...to be loved; to be accepted; to be allowed to be ourselves. We are making progress...it's just taking us some time!

More and Better Orgasms Through Better Communication

Communication is one of the biggest things that we as human beings struggle with and it is so easy to get defensive. It's so difficult to trust that someone else is not trying to hurt us in some way. As women we tend to want/expect that our partner will know what to do or what to say and that's just not very realistic. If it feels better when he moves a little to the left, we have to be willing to tell him to move a little to the left. Ahhh....yes....right there! That's wonderful!

Learn to trust yourself and your partner and be willing to explore better sex through communication. How could he possibly know you have stronger orgasms when he pushes up while you are o'ing? How many more orgasms would we have if we could just say...a little to the left?

How to Avoid Intimacy

If you really want to avoid getting closer to your partner, here are the top ten ways to accomplish that goal:

Rule #1: Don’t talk!

Rule #2: Never show your feelings!

Rule #3: Always be pleasant!

Rule #4: Always win!

Rule #5: Always keep busy!

Rule #6: Always be right!

Rule #7: Never argue or disagree!

Rule #8: Make your partner guess what you want!

Rule #9: Always look out for number one!

Rule #10: Keep the television on!

Warning: This in not a comprehensive list. You may have other ways that have worked just as well for you in avoiding intimacy. Make sure to add your own methods to this list and then make sure not to share this list with your partner.

Source: Adapted from the FLEducator. (1985, Winter). 4:2

Can the opposite sexes be just friends?

Can there be such a thing as cross-gendered friendships? What would you think if some person of the opposite sex walked up to you and said, "Hey. You look like a nice person and I'm looking for new friends. Would you like to hang out?" Most people would think that was a pick-up line.

This is another age-old question. Is it possible to just be friends with someone of the opposite sex? Think about the times in your life when you tried it out. How did it work for you? According to the stereotypes and the research, it's almost impossible to do.

According to my Gender class, of course it can be done! Well...in my history that was a big challenge, especially if I was single at the time. I do have some good guy friends, but if I met them before I was married, we went out at least once before deciding that wasn't going to work!

The one guy I tried to be just friends with no going out kept pressuring me for more. It’s too bad because we are no longer even friends because of that.

It's too easy to "test the waters" if you put two single opposite-sexed people together to hang out. Why not see what's there? Unless, of course, you're repulsed by them!

It tends to be easier for women to be just friends with men than it is for men to be just friends with women. Most of the time, they hope that they will be able to get at least a little sex out of it!

Don't Talk Sports!

Okay guys...here's some really good advice:

DON'T talk about how your favorite team lost a game while you are trying to get your gal to the big O! That's sure to spoil the mood.

Would you like it if your partner started talking about the cutest little dress she just bought while trying to give you a blow job?!?!

I didn't think so.

Should your partner strip for you?

I've posted a survey in this month's PleasureMeNow.com's newsletter. I am going to share parts of the readers's responses.

Things NOT to do to turn your mate on:

She tried to do a stripping routine for me once and all the intentions were there, but it just didn't work. I give her an "A" for effort, but at that moment, it was rough.

I suppose that unless you are talented that way, I wouldn't try that one out! Ever seen that episode of King of Queens where Carrie tried out pole dancing for Doug? That didn't work out so well either!

Be creative and have fun, but be careful! In all sorts of ways, be careful!

Is porn bad?!

Here is the question:

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years.. we have great sex life.. the only thing is that he likes porn. I don't like knowing this bc it makes me feel like maybe I'm not good enough an it makes me jealous to know hes getting off on watching other women..

He wants to watch it with me an I've tried but it seems to bother me and make me think of him as a perve... is this bad that my bf likes porno? is it normal? does this mean hes going to cheat or something?

Dear Worried,

It is very normal that he likes pornography. Most men do because they are visual creatures; more so than women, but it’s also very common for women to enjoy them. They tap into our imaginations and our fantasies and that’s a big part of good and normal sex.

It’s not an indication at all of cheating! Let that one go. And just because he watches porn, it certainly does not make him a perv. If it is “creepy” porn (violent, children, etc) then I would worry.

And while I know that it’s easy for us as women to feel we are being compared to those girls, that’s not usually the case. As long as he’s really NOT comparing you to them and expecting you to look like them with their photo-shopped bodies! Hopefully he makes you feel special and beautiful and the porns are simply a supplement to your very healthy love life!

On the other hand, don’t ever let someone force you to do something that’s not comfortable for you. Keep in mind also that being open means you will find things you didn’t even know you liked!

Life’s an adventure and hopefully so is your love-life! Good luck and stay true to yourself!

Dori

The Importance of Girlfriends

I attended a self-esteem workshop for women last night, not as a participant, but as an observer because I had numerous clients attending and I wanted to see what it was all about. I was amazed.

First of all, I was pleased to see that it was not a feminist-driven workshop. It really did focus on your own "shit" and that it was up to you to turn it around. Secondly, it was so empowering giving the participants the tools necessary to start changing how they view themselves. It's not up to anyone else; you have to work at it and figure out what works for you.

One of the primary focuses was about how women loose their voices because of family and societal expectations placed on us... we can't be loud because we are supposed to speak softly; if we are aggressive we are bitches; if we are athletic we must be dikes; we are supposed to want to be mothers and wives and if we don’t, well, we just don’t fit in now do we?

If we don't fit into these expectations and choose to live outside the female box, we are often times ostracized and have difficulty finding our niche. One of the biggest challenges we face as women is staying true to ourselves especially when we are in a relationship. That is where even the strongest of women tend to give up pieces of who they are because that's what we are supposed to do.

Think back to elementary school...it was fairly egalitarian. Now think about junior high...this is where we started to shift our focus away from our girlfriends onto the boys. It became a competitive world out there with our sisters. We wanted the boys! And that girl wearing those tight jeans was no longer our friend but our competition. Slut!

See how easy it is to start being petty rather than sisterly? Thank goodness that I am in a time in my life where I truly value the friendship and support of my sisters. I don't feel the need to compete anymore, so now I can focus on how important those relationships with women really are to me.

Did you know that having a good support system in place is one of the top factors contributing to mental well-being? Let go of the competitions and return to a place that’s warm, kind and supportive. Take time to join a women’s group, whether it’s a soft-ball team, a knitting group or a book club. Go out there and find out what you can get from being connected to other women.

Don’t go ditching your men though! They play just as important of a role in our lives. This is just a gentle reminder to stay connected to your girl posse!

The Power of Gender Stereotypes

Yesterday in my Gender class we discussed gender stereotypes. Most people really don't realize the power behind gender stereotypes or stereotypes of any kind. It's a pretty interesting topic; as a society we really have come a long way, but we still have so far to go.

Even though we have updated our home economic textbooks from the 50’s, women in a number of foreign countries have no rights. Have you ever seen one of those textbooks? It instructs our girls to do things like the following:

- greet your husband at the door after a long day at work looking fresh, with newly applied makeup and high heels on
- to bring him his slippers to help him relax
- to have dinner waiting
- to let him talk about his day because his was stressful
- to not share the bad things that happened in your day because it would add to his stress

These are just a few examples of what you could expect to find back “in the day!” We are improving, but so much more needs to be done especially in certain parts of our world.

One of the women I am currently working with…a victim of domestic abuse who is now a single mom…did not want to return to her home country because she would have to sit around her parents’ home waiting for a new husband to come along…literally.

One of the reasons we have stereotypes is the way that we process information. In order to make sense of our world we need to break things down into reasonable bits. That's where stereotypes come in handy. They get us into trouble, however, when we use them to perpetuate negative beliefs about a certain group of people.

The cool thing is that as human beings, we also have the ability to step back and re-evauate those stereotypes. For example, there is still the gender stereotype out there that women can’t be good physicists. Another interesting caveat to throw in here is that people tend to live up to expectations.

So…if you tell your daughter that she could never become a physicist because she is a girl…basing the comment on her sex…then she probably won’t even consider the profession. That is an incredibly powerful belief... When in reality she might win the next Nobel Laureate in Physics! Encourage all the possibilities! Encouragement is just as powerful.

The next time you catch yourself judging someone based on a stereotype, stop yourself; take a moment to consider the situation or the person as a whole. It’s dangerous to judge a person solely by his or her appearance.

Food for thought…How do YOU want to be judged?

What Makes a Man Want to Have More Sex

Our society focuses on the opposite of this issue, that men always want sex, choosing to ignore that it really does go both ways. There's that misconception that men have higher sex drives than women do when in fact they are pretty much the same.

The difference comes in how each gender approaches sex. Most men have been raised to believe that showing emotion is unacceptable. So...sex is the best way that they know how to accomplish that feat while still looking like a guy!

Men are also motivated by being able to show off some ability while women are more motivated through feeling appreciated and loved.

Gentlemen...I want to know what works for you...what turns you on when you are off. What makes you want to have more sex?!?!

Question for the Guys

So...my last article was titled "How Do I Get My Wife/Girlfriend to Have More Sex?' That article has prompted another question...how do I get my husband/boyfriend to have more sex?

As it turns out, there are a lot of women out there who have this challenge with their men. Now, I know that many or all of you are saying, "Oh, no...Not me!" However, consider for me the possibility that your wife/girlfriend wants sex when you don't. I would love to hear your side and have you tell me what has worked for you when you weren't necessarily in the mood.

The ladies number one response was having their man do the housework. I seriously doubt that will be your response!

Help me out here guys!

Domestic Violence as Hate Crime?

This past Saturday I attended a conference at a local College of Law exploring whether or not domestic violence should be prosecuted as a hate crime. Most of the attendees were law students and lawyers and only one other social-worker "type". I felt we were able to bring a different perspective to how they were looking at current laws in the state of Colorado and how to potentially word new bills.

Coming from California, I had no idea about criminalized domestic violence. I learned about that working with some of my single-parent participants when I accompanied them to their civil and criminal cases as witnesses. They were witnesses against their ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends; they were not there on the prosecuting side because of our laws. A lot of discussion on this topic on Saturday revolved around how the criminalization caused more problems than it helped.

The original intention was to make the penalties for domestic violence more stringent and to ensure that the perpetrators did not get away with the abuse if a woman did not prosecute. The problems that came about included the not so obvious side effects of taking away the power from the women to make any decision about the person who brought on harm. This often times leaves a woman feeling helpless and frustrated more than they feel helped.

And then there are stories of the ugly underside of the police; the stories include threats against women who did not want to testify. They had many examples of women being threatened; one included having marijuana planted in her house and she was told that the only way to make that "go away" was to testify.

The main topic, however, was on how to add gender to the hate-crime bill. So that if a man beats up a woman and the prosecutors can tie in the reason for the crime having to do with the fact she was a woman, the penalties will be greater. We spent a lot of time "trying" to write verbiage for a potential bill and it was not easy! We spent much time discussing how this could help victims, but also being very careful about how the bill would be worded to avoid potentially hurting them more.

The ultimate goal of this conference was to raise not only awareness, but also as inspiration to everyone to get out there and do something. There is much that we can do to make a difference and to be heard. And it was inspiring!

Moral Obligation?

Yesterday in my Gender class, a student asked me whether I thought that a transgendered person has a moral obligation to disclose that he or she has had sexual reassignment surgery. Wow! What a question!

This sparked much debate in the classroom to say the very least! The person that asked the question thought it would be terrible to find out after falling in love that his girlfriend used to be a man. His biggest issue with all of it was to find out that the person he thought of as a woman, was incapable of bearing children. Then the issue came up about general male expectations and stereotypes…that most men would be freaked out to find out their girlfriend used to be a male.

Most women would too, but women tend to be more gender flexible.

Do you remember the movies “Crying Game” and “Boys Don’t Cry”? Well, it didn’t go over too well when each of the main characters came out or were found out. People don’t like to be deceived especially on that level. And a lot of men really have trouble with issues surrounding masculinity.

It also seems to be a difficult concept to grasp; one’s mind not agreeing with what they see when they look down. How can that happen? Can’t therapy help? They are just confused. Well…research shows that therapy can’t help and that it may happen during a hormone release in fetal development. They aren’t just confused.

How do we help these folks? Be supportive and even if we don’t understand, be tolerant. We would want the same if we were facing some confusing personal issues.

The class agreed as a whole, that yes, there is a moral obligation to disclose that

kind of information. The class, however, could not agree as to what point one should disclose that information…other than not on the first date!

The Power of Women's Groups

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Why are you a boy/girl?

How much influence does your mother have over your gender-identity development and personality? Well, it depends on who you ask. There are theorists out there who say that she is a major contributor and others who say not so much.

If I think back to my childhood and all the influences my twin brother and I experienced in relation to gender-identity development, I would say that our environment played a key role in reinforcing gender-stereotypic behavior. From as far back as I can remember, my brother was “conditioned” to be a boy and I was “conditioned” to be a girl. Even the chores we were assigned as little kids reinforced the stereotypical gender roles; He took the trash out and I did the dishes.

Not that there was anything wrong with that. I do think, however, how important it is for everyone to be exposed to non-traditional gender-stereotypical chores! What I mean is that we should all be encouraged to try different activities whether they are male or female labeled. That way, as individuals, we can learn what we like from our own experiences not those that are dictated by our society based on gender norms.

I really can’t blame my mother for who I’ve become…gender or personality. Darn it! I wanted to blame someone!

How did gender stereotypes influence how you were raised?

Gender Differences in IQ?

Are there gender differences in IQ? It’s pretty interesting that we as a society really focus on gender-appropriate intellect. “What does that mean?” you ask. Just that, in general, our society believes that men are smarter when it comes to math and women are smarter when it comes to verbal intelligence. Why is this?

Think back to elementary school…I know…for some of us it was longer ago than for others! I’m going to focus on the boys-are-better-at-math theory (because I’m a female). This was a time when our mathematical abilities were pretty similar across the gender board (check the research yourself!) BUT! Our teachers frequently placed different expectations on our math ability based on that gender.

We were led to believe that boys would need math in their careers and girls wouldn’t, so it was important that boys pay attention and learn math. Girls, go ahead and write your short stories. This led to a greater emphasis on boys learning math. Huh…funny how that works. It was now tied into their futures so it became important to them. Boys also had the math advantage because they had the math confidence that came from the expectation that they would do well because boys do better in math. See what I mean? Do you see where I’m going with this? Something just doesn’t seem right here. Hmmm…

Let’s move onto high school where these same expectations continued… now we begin to see significant differences in mathematical performance. But….why is this? Is it really a genetic difference that’s the cause of these differences? Or is it a difference created by societal expectations? Why can’t girls do just as well in math as boys?

I really do wonder if I could go back in time (no! I’m not going to tell you how far back!) when I was in elementary school…What would my life be like today if I had the expectation placed on me that ‘of course you will do well in math!’ ‘Why wouldn’t you?’ If nothing else, my statistics classes would have been more fun and far less anxiety provoking!

What were your math-gender experiences?

Nice Girls

Do nice girls always finish last? It’s a pretty common female characteristic that we want to be liked, so we’re nice to people that we don’t necessarily really like ourselves. Now, I’m not saying that we are all nice, just that there are those of us who are sometimes too nice.

Considering that I work in the social services field, it’s actually pretty common to come across this type. And to be one. I believe that’s why I will never be a great boss. I think I’m tough, but I’m really not. I do believe I’m a leader, but not necessarily a good manager of others. When it comes down to it, I do want to be liked…and I think that good managers don’t worry about that aspect. Hell! I can’t even train my damn dog! Because he’s so cute, I find it impossible to consistently discipline him. Did I mention how cute he is?

Why do we care? Is it something that is innate? Are we taught to worry about such things? Is it just women or do men worry about being liked as much as we do?

I remember being around 6 years old and the little girl down the street had a birthday party and didn’t invite me. Well…what did I do? I put on a party dress, wrapped up one of my dolls that I thought she’d like and I went to her party anyway! It didn’t matter that we weren’t that good of friends; she was going to like me whether she wanted to or not!

What are your thoughts?

Cross-Dressers

You’re a cross-dresser? So, that means that you are gay. Right? How does your family feel about it? Do you always dress like that? What do your co-workers think? When did you start? Well….these were just some of the questions presented to the cross-dressing panel yesterday in my Psychology of Gender class.

The panel consisted of two male cross-dressers (Natalie and Darlene) and the wife (Michelle) of one of them. They all came dressed as women and you would never know that Darlene was a man. She dresses as a woman almost 85% of the time and Natalie only dresses up on occasion. Natalie is committed to her wife, Michelle, of over 30 years and she only found out that her husband is a cross-dresser a little over a year ago. Their children do not know. There is much secrecy in the world of a cross-dresser and with good reason.

Numerous misconceptions exist about the cross-dressing community. Interestingly enough, most of us do know someone who is a cross-dresser; we just don’t know that we know. Since they are not greeted with open arms in our society, many if not most tend to be very secretive and go to great lengths to protect their anonymity. Most of them are not gay. Most of them are not sexually aroused by wearing women’s clothing. The majority, however, are middle-aged heterosexual married men. Many dress for comfort or because they want the opportunity to express their feminine side.

This trio was very comfortable being themselves walking across a college campus and as a panel in front of students greatly varying in age, experience and tolerance. To my pleasant surprise, every student asked questions and they did so with great respect. There was no snickering, just curiosity. I accomplished what I had set out to do and that was to expose students to diversity; to people that they would not ordinarily get a chance to know anything about. Excellent!